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My Funny Valentine

Trey Reely | February 2016

    Technology has changed the dating game dramatically in recent years, as many now find a love connection at the tap of a mouse or the swipe of the phone. However, for some who seek old-fashioned romance, a personal ad may do the trick.

    Handsome, humble trumpet player, 21, looking for nice, confident woman who will worship the ground I walk on and constantly remind me of my many fine attributes.
    Gravitationally-challenged tuba player, 34, looking for woman who likes to cook. Ideal woman must have a truck or car with trunk big enough to carry a sousaphone during marching season (I march in a university band) and concert tuba in the spring (I play in a community band). I live with my mother, but am quite independent.
    Oboe player, 32, looking to share life with someone who loves to spend quiet nights at home rocking on the front porch, chatting about Vivaldi concerti and carving that perfect reed. Double reed players preferred, but single reed players will be considered.
    I am a flute player, 19, sweet with lots of personality looking for someone who loves to talk about band, and when he’s not talking about band, he’s talking about band some more. Also, must be a good listener. Some say I am chatty, but I don’t think so. I always have something to say, but it’s always interesting. Am very willing to let others talk if they want to.
    Cool guitar player, 27, seeking woman willing to support me as I work on my solo career. Willingness to sing back-up a plus, but not required. Why not take a chance on me? We could become another John and Yoko.
    Euphonium player, 22, seeks woman who enjoys talking all things mouthpieces. My mother says I am cute, and I am much smarter than you would think from looking at me.
    Drummer, 19, seeking woman who can read music and help me learn marching snare parts. Must love to hear me rap and tap on all flat surfaces within my reach. I am the best looking dude in my section. Must love to be on the move. I want to travel the United States every year and watch every DCI competition I can.
    Woman seeking marriage or someone to play trombone in a brass quintet.
    Slightly bowed but huggable bass drummer, 38, looking to date former majorettes who would not have had anything to do with me in college. Sometimes things change. I am definitely worth a second look.
    If you are looking for a talented clarinet player, I am the one. I am seeking man of equal talent who earned at least 20 solo and ensemble medals during high school on grade three and above literature. Brass players preferred. (However, I am willing to negotiate.)
    Saxophone player, 23, available. (But probably not for long!). Seeks stable relationship. No cheaters or liars please. No trombone players either. (I’ve had no luck with those.)
    Smart, opinionated horn player, 42, seeks mate who loves debate and can pose an intellectual challenge. Must be able to accept defeat humbly when appropriate. Must be able to perform second horn parts in duets on dates. I hate Sousa marches, jazz, and Kenny G.
    Mature, female harpist, 92, tired of playing at weddings of other couples. Ready to retire and settle down for the long haul with just the right man. If you are between the ages of 26 and 96 you may be the one for me.
    Single, three-year university section leader, 20, seeks player of any instrument who is dependable and has a strong work ethic. I would love walks on the beach as long as you can stay in step with me.
    Jazz saxophonist, 27, seeks adventurous saxophonist willing to spend life performing all of the Jamey Aebersold instructional methods together. Understanding all chord changes a must. Must like John Coltrane. I am very good at adjusting reeds – you will never have to do that again.
    Confidently nerdy trombone and sackbut player, 39, seeking fun-loving, yet forgiving woman of legal age with good sense of humor. I am sensitive (I cry at Star Wars premieres). I am not skinny, but a tightly-wound individualist who marches to the beat of his own drummer even during parades. Some people say I look like a young Henry Fillmore. I always work hard at something if it is something I like.
    Rebel female third clarinet player, 18, who is tired of being kicked around. This is my last chance at love. (Seriously! I’ve said it before, but I mean it this time.) No bad boys please.
    Cute, loyal piccolo player seeks someone who loves listening to Stars and Stripes Forever by candlelight.
    Normal male band director, 34, seeks woman who will laugh at jokes no matter how corny they are, travel the country with 120 kids who belong to other parents, enjoy many Friday nights watching high school football or working in a concession stand, listen to critiques of movie music right after the show, and won’t mind leftover fundraising items in her Christmas stocking. If you have children, particularly ones who play horn or tuba, that is a plus.