I’m tired of making New Year’s resolutions for myself every year and then breaking them. So I’ve decided to make resolutions for everyone else. Maybe they will have better luck.
Piccolo Players
I promise to play in tune on all of my high notes.
Flutists
I will use the tuning rod for more than poking my neighbor; I will actually use it to check the headjoint to make sure it is properly adjusted.
Double Reed Players
I will never blame the reed for anything.
Clarinetists
I will make sure that I rotate four reeds at all times and immediately replace any reeds that are worn, chipped, lost, or have been chewed up by my pet hamster.
Bass Clarinetists
I will learn to play above the break.
Saxophonists
I pledge to play at a dynamic level that allows the flutes and clarinets to be heard.
Trumpet Players
I pledge not to make fun of clarinet players.
I will not spend all of my practice time trying to hit high notes.
Hornists
I will use the correct hand position at all times.
On all sustained notes I will ask myself if I am on the correct harmonic instead of holding the wrong note for eight counts.
I will learn how to tie my valve strings.
Trombonists
May lightning strike me dead if I use my slide as a weapon.
I will learn how to play legato.
Euphonium Players
I will not complain about having boring parts.
I will buy an Arban book to keep myself busy.
If I am a trumpet switch, I will learn to play bass clef.
Tuba Players
I will check my slides every day to make sure they move and will grease them if they need it.
I will not set my instrument down on the bell.
Sousaphone Players
I will make sure my bell is facing the correct direction.
Percussionists
I will begin practicing something other than drumset.
When I do practice drumset, I will learn at least six other beats than the one I currently play.
I will learn to tune the timpani.
I will put the covers back on the timpani whenever I am done, every time.
I will not be intimidated by keyboard percussion.
Guitar Players
I will learn how to read music and throw away those nasty tabs.
Principals
I will not interrupt any band rehearsals with assemblies.
For All Band Members
I will sell $100 worth of items in every fundraiser.
I will practice my scales.
I will give all band correspondence to my parents.
I will be on time.
I will number the measures on all of my music without being asked.
I will laugh heartily at all of the band director’s jokes with no trace of insincerity.
Upon reflection, I guess it would be fair to have at least one resolution for directors.
Band Directors
I solemnly swear to enjoy band as everyone else fulfills their resolutions.
