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Trey Reely | April 2015

    Fundraising has been one of the least enjoyable parts of my job, and I have found that the ultimate goal of any fundraiser is making the most money with the least amount of effort. Although my success in meeting this goal has been rather uneven over the years, at long last I have found the perfect solution, and it came rather unexpectedly.
    I was listening to a radio broadcast of a high school playoff football game a few months ago when a penalty flag was thrown, and the broadcaster called it the “Arkansas Storm Shelter penalty flag.” My first reaction was confusion over what I had heard, but after the next infraction, when the same phrase was repeated, I realized that the penalty flags being thrown were sponsored by a company called Arkansas Storm Shelter. It sounded crazy to me. What company would want to be associated with something bad like a penalty?
    On the other hand, I figured that at least half the football audience would welcome the penalty flag. What’s more, the idea, for better or worse, was definitely memorable. Here I sit, several months later, remembering the name of the company and perpetuating its name in this column.
    With that in mind, I think it might be a great idea to have band concerts sponsored by businesses willing to have their name associated with various aspects of the performance, both good and bad. One could print all of the ads in the program or, for a little more excitement and publicity, announce them as things occur. Here are some examples:
    All students who arrived late for tonight’s performance are sponsored by Cazzio Watches. Wear a Cazzio and you’ll never see your grade drop for being tardy again!
    Tonight’s intonation problems are brought to you by Haynie’s Hearing Associates. Come see us – you might not know what you’re missing.
    Any wrong notes in tonight’s performance are sponsored by Emergency Paramedic Services. When something goes wrong, we’ll make it right.
    Any harsh tones heard tonight are underwritten by Blat, Blat, and Splat, Attorneys-at-Law.
    All technique problems in Restive Overture are brought to you by the Arthritic Foundation of America.
    Any moment of tonal blending is brought to you by Faxwell House Colombian Coffee, the perfect blend!
    All rhythmic precision problems in the march tonight are funded by Pristine Pacemakers, Inc. Never lose a beat again!
    All screaming babies during the performance tonight are brought to you by Stoneline Mutes.
    All balance issues are underwritten by Crawford Mental Health Associates. Feeling a little off? Let us get you balanced again!
    Articulation problems in tonight’s performance are sponsored by Chevy mud trucks. We can plow through anything!
    The tempo of the closing galop is brought to in part by Russian Whole Foods and Dragon Chinese Restaurants.
    All dynamic levels above fortissimo are brought to you by the Concussive Arts Society and the National Lung Association.
    All family members who get up during the middle of a song to make their exit are supported by the publishers of Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th Edition. Manners matter!

    How much you would charge for each ad is up to you. Regardless, it sounds like easy money to me. By the way, this article was brought to you by your friends at the Inclement Weather Channel. They let writers know when there will be snow storms that will allow them to brain storm!