I have a disease. And apparently I’ve had it for many years with symptoms obvious to everyone but me. I’ll give you a few examples of my affliction:
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Phillip Glass.
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Tarzan.
Tarzan who?
Tarzan stripes forever.
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne dwops keep fawwin’ on my head.
My problem is that I tell bad jokes and can’t stop. I have a brain dysfunction that German researchers now call witzelsucht. Sometimes called the “joking disease,” this condition results in a flood of bad jokes, corny puns, and wacky behavior. If you thought any of the above jokes were funny, you probably have it, too. If you thought they were merely corny, you probably have a milder form of the disease; musicians and band directors seem especially prone to this malady.
It is a symptom of an injury to the right frontal lobe, which could be caused by brain trauma or a stroke, tumor, infection or a degenerative disease. “Patients who have disease of the left frontal lobe often are sad, anxious and depressed,” explains Dr. Kenneth Heilman, a neurologist at the University of Florida College of Medicine in Gainesville, Florida. “In contrast, patients with right-hemisphere disease often appear indifferent or euphoric and have inappropriate jocularity.” There are medical treatments available and fortunately, as Heilman explains, the jokiness “can be annoying to family and caregivers, but it is usually not a terrible problem.”
I’m not sure where I may have contracted this malady, but I suspect it may be genetic since most fathers (mine included) seem to have the condition. I may have caught it from a colleague at a band convention. Whatever the case, I’m hoping that when I share this sensitive information with my band students they will be more understanding of my condition. Maybe when I tell a joke they consider corny, they will laugh politely anyway.
One of the insidious things about this disease is that I think all of my jokes are funny. Maybe you won’t be so unfortunate. Below is a test I have devised to see if you have witzelsucht. If you think the joke is funny, give yourself a point. If not, don’t. Use the key below to evaluate the severity of your condition.
Question: How is a saxophone like a baseball?
Answer: People cheer when you hit it with a bat.
A musician told his wife that he was going to the doctor twice a week for his “syncopation” when he was really going out to the pubs and drinking with his friends after promising her that he wouldn’t. After several weeks of evasive answers about his condition, the wife looked up syncopation in the dictionary and discovered what he was up to when she saw it defined as “an irregular movement from bar to bar.”
Question: What’s the definition of an administrator?
Answer: Three losing seasons and a Master’s degree.
Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna Hymnsong of Philip Bliss.
Two ants on a bar are singing “We’ve Only Just Begun.”
A man leans over to the bartender and says, “Hey! What’s up with the singin’ ants?”
The bartender replies, “Those are Carpenter ants.”
Witzelsuchts Diagnostic Chart
0 points: Non-existent (Possibly consider another career field while you are able.)
1 point: Pre-onset. (Buy a good joke book while there’s still time.)
2 points: Mild (Some of your jokes might actually draw a laugh.)
3 points: Moderate (Quality of jokes begins to deteriorate.You begin to laugh at your own jokes even when no one else is laughing.)
4 points: Severe (You can’t understand why others don’t get your witticisms when they really just don’t think the jokes are funny.)
5 points: Terminal (You begin to tell the same jokes over and over again.)
How did you do? I’m in the process of putting together a support group. At the very least, victims can meet and share a few laughs if anyone in the group can manage to say something even the slightest bit humorous. I think I’ll call the group the BDDS (Band Director Disease Society). That has a nicer ring to it than Witzelsuchts Anonymous.
