You have probably heard someone say, “Oh, if these walls could talk,” but imagine if instruments could talk. Or what if directors could eavesdrop on conversations they otherwise would never be privy to? Call me crazy, but this is how I imagine them.
Two Trumpets
“Hey, man. When’s the last time you got out of this joint?”
“I’ve been stuck in this cubby hole for months. My man Tim pulls me out for class, and then afterward it’s hasta la vista, baby. He used to take me out all the time. Now I guess you could consider me homeless. And he wonders why he’s last chair!”
“Your finish is looking a little tarnished, too.”
“You think that’s bad? My slides are stuck, and my valves are moving slower than a beginner on Festive Overture.”
Two Seniors
“I can’t wait until last period is over.”
“Why?”
“I get to take my flute home and practice!”
Between Two Old Drums
“Kids these days wouldn’t know a rudiment if it double-dragged them across their heads!”
“Every kid who has ever hit a pot with a spoon or played Drum Hero thinks he knows everything there is to drums.”
“I wish my kid would play the xylophone a little bit. Even some timpani.”
“Then he’d have to read music!” The drums roll over laughing. “See you later. I think my owner is about to ratchet the pitch up even higher. What a headache!”
Two Football Coaches on the Sidelines
“Boy, the band sure sounds great tonight.”
“I’ve got a mind to forget the halftime talk tonight and stay here and watch the band.”
“Yep. We may stink, but at least we got the best band.”
Metronome to Tuner
Metronome: “Kids just don’t like me.”
Tuner: “Can’t say I blame them. You have to admit that your constant ticking is like Chinese water torture.”
Metronome: “But I only want what’s best for them. If they would just play evenly and maintain a steady tempo, we’d all be a lot better off. Besides, your droning Bb isn’t much more popular.”
Tuner: “I know, I know. And aren’t these cobwebs a pain?”
Two Reeds
“Hey, Chip. What’s up?”
“I’m worn out and should have been retired weeks ago.”
“Why haven’t you been changed?”
“She’s been telling her band director she doesn’t have any money, but I know for a fact she bought three candy bars from a friend yesterday. She put them by me in her case. Now I smell like a Snickers.”
“At least she doesn’t leave you on the mouthpiece like my Fred does. Maybe if we could find a way to glue him body-length to a big sheet of plywood he would understand what it’s like.”
“I don’t get it. You’d think that when she turns three shades of blue and her sound has more air running through it than an air-conditioning unit vent she would get the hint.”
Junior High Athlete and Musician
Athlete: “You band kids are nothing but nerds.”
Musician: “You may be a big shot now with all the athletic glory heaped on you by our sports-crazed and short-sighted society, but one day you will wake up in your saggy old bed and look down at your paunch that hasn’t seen a sit-up in 20 years. You will throw on your faded letter jacket, head to work in the same Ford truck you drove in high school that still has a moldy tassel hanging from the rear-view mirror, and when you get to work you’ll see me and say, ‘Hey, Boss.’ Now put your headphones back on, listen to all of those nerdy musician millionaires, and leave me alone.”
Four Band Students at Lunch
First student: “Let’s get together and practice First Suite together after school on Thursday.”
Second student: “Do you think Mr. Dunkins will mind?”
First student: “Are you kidding me?”
Third student: “It seems like I have something else that afternoon.”
Fourth student: “What could be more important than band?”
Third student: “I see your point. I’ll be there.”
