It’s hard to believe, but geek culture is in, and it’s the perfect time to for television producers to capitalize on the trend and revise game shows to reflect our geeky band culture. Here are my ideas:
Let’s Make a Squeal. Trumpet players square off to see who can play the highest notes.
Name That Neume. Musicologists compete to see who can identify specific Gregorian chants on the fewest number of neumes played.
American Ninja Warrior. Contestants try to make their way through a band instrument storage area the last of week of school without breaking their necks.
The Price Is Right. Contestants compete to see who can guess the correct price on band fundraising items. Winners get to choose prizes off of a graduated wall chart.
Beat the Clock. Marching bands compete to see who can complete a two-mile parade the fastest.
The $10,000 Pyramid of Sound. Musical groups perform for the chance to win $10,000 if they can play with perfect musical balance based on Francis McBeth’s pyramid of sound.
Whose Line Is It Anyway? Contestants watch halftime performances and win prizes for correctly guessing which row or column a lost band member should be marching in.
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Band directors go door-to-door hawking increasingly difficult-to-sell products. The director who gets to the top level ($25 tickets to a bagpipe recital) and sells them to 50 households in eight hours wins a million dollars for the band.
Bet On Your Baby. Band parents see which of their babies will go the longest without screaming bloody murder during the entire length of a Mahler symphony transcription.
Truth or Consequences. Band members give excuses about why they missed a practice, and a panel of distinguished band directors determines their veracity. If found untruthful, the band member must perform tasks selected by the panel just for them, such as stacking chairs after rehearsal for two semesters, removing graffiti from music stands and bathroom walls, or baking cookies for the band director once a week.
500 Questions. Band students compete to see who can be the first to ask their band director 500 questions before he gives a sarcastic answer. Band directors who answer all 500 without being sarcastic or going insane win a student-free trip to an exotic island resort of their choice.
Weakest Link. Competitors watch marching bands and the one that identifies the most marchers who are out of step wins.
Are You A Better Bus Driver than a Fifth-Grader? Band directors take on fifth graders to see who can maneuver a 45-foot school bus through a challenging obstacle course the fastest.
Crassword. Band directors try to guess what the latest words and phrases from pop culture and their low brass section mean. (Viewer discretion is advised.)
Gripe-Out. From the creators of Wipe-Out, a panel of band students judges band directors on which one has the best rant on a variety of categories, including gum chewing, punctuality, preparedness, posture, and key signatures. The victor wins a lifetime supply of antacids.
Scrabble. Marching bands must learn how to form every letter of the alphabet to win this competition. Whichever band can spell out selected words the fastest and with the greatest accuracy while playing Louie Louie wins. Even the letter i has to be dotted. Each member of the winning band receives a free ticket to the finals of the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
What’s My Whine? Blindfolded panelists try to guess what instrument a visiting guest plays by listening to them whine and complain. For instance, “My reed is broken, and I can’t make a sound.” (Oboe.) Or “My shoulder hurts. Can I sit down?” (Sousaphone.) Or “But I haven’t had the music for three weeks, why should I look at it now?” (Percussionist.)
The Rating Game. Band judges rate bands on a scale of one to five. Oops – I guess we already have this game – we just need to put it on television.
Family Feud. Sections of the band compete to discover which one can guess how school administrators who are surveyed answer questions about band: How much does a sousaphone cost? How many players are in a brass sextet?
Reed or No Reed. Woodwind players compete to see who can perform major woodwind solos on the worst reed or maybe even no reed at all.
Minute to Win It. Band boosters compete to who can whip up concession fare the fastest.
America’s Got Volume. Pep bands from all over the country compete to see who can reach the highest decibel levels.
I think any of these would be a hit, but until they make the small screen I’ll have to be content watching The Big Bang Theory and the robotically nerdy Battlebots.
