Cast of Characters
Bob Bandy
Coach Callus
Principal Pouriton
Candy Chatter
Eric Enthusiasm
Billy Bluster
Brewsky Longneck
Wendy Whiner
Clueless Carol
Repetitive Roger
Lights up with teachers slowly filtering into the library. Large wall clock indicates 8:00. Bob Bandy walks toward the back of the room, looking for an empty desk.
Coach Callus
(reading sports page from newspaper, but not looking up)
You’ve gotta come early to get a prime seat.
Bob Bandy
(points to sheets on Callus’s desk)
What’s that you got there?
Coach Callus
Oh, just a few new plays I hope to work on when the meeting gets going.
Bob Bandy
I brought some stuff with me, too.
(plops music scores, drill charts, and catalogs onto desk)
Principal Pouriton
Good morning! I hope everyone had a great summer. This is our first of five days of meetings.
(Half the teachers continue talking.)
We have several new facilitators this year so I’d like to take a few minutes and have all of you introduce yourselves.
(Only one fourth of the teachers are now talking.)
I think it would be helpful if you say your name, what subject you teach, and what you did over the summer.
(Now only Candy Chatter is still talking.)
Candy, we’ll start with you.
(Candy looks startled and has no idea what is going on. Her cell phone rings, and she quickly leaves the room to answer the call.)
Blackout.
* * * * *
Light returns. Large wall clock indicates 8:30.
Principal Pouriton
Well, I hope that everyone knows each other a little better now, but we will have some activities to get to know each other better tomorrow during our six-hour session.
(Bandy’s eyes roll. Callus is still looking at sports section. Eric Enthusiasm claps.)
I went to a workshop in Tahiti this summer to learn more about the new teacher evaluation program we are going to follow this year. It’s called S.C.O.R.N., which stands for . . .
(looks at notes on yellow pad)
School Collected Observations and Review Narrative. I will have to meet with each of you five times this year: the pre-observation, the concurrent observation, the post observation, the summative observation, and the post-summative observation. We are also the first school in our state to become a S.C.R.A.M. school. S.C.R.A.M. stands for Standard Cyber Reclamation and Maintenance. All of you will have to attend thirty hours of in-service on how to construct your own computer using parts from computers donated to us from a private school in Vermont.
Bob Bandy
(to Callus)
Just last year we were a H.I.-T.E.C.H. school.
Coach Callus
(to Bandy)
I remember the days when we were a sports school.
Principal Pouriton
We are scrapping last year’s two initiatives. However, I am assured by state education officials that these new programs are not passing fads and will be with us for a while.
Eric Enthusiasm
Do we still get to be a P.E.P.P.Y. school?
Principal Pouriton
No, I’m sorry.
(Eric shrugs good-naturedly.)
As you can see from the large post-it notes on the wall we are going to divide into groups. I want you write how the thought of having these new programs makes you feel. Also list any questions you might have on the bottom portion of the post-it note.
(Teachers divide into four groups. Bandy and Callus are with Billy Bluster.)
Billy Bluster
What did he call us a while ago? A facillasomething or another?
Bob Bandy
A facilitator. Apparently we are no longer to be called teachers.
Billy Bluster
He must have learned that at some program in Cancún over the summer. Well, by golly, I’m not changing. I’ll retire before I ask students to call me a facilitator. My grandfather was a teacher, my mom was a teacher, and that’s what I am. Darn proud of it, too.
Bob Bandy
Rumor has it that students are now to be called learners. This one change alone will transform education as we know it.
Coach Callus
(taking a break from devising a new offensive scheme)
Nobody asked me if I wanted to be called a facilitator or not. That makes me feel powerless. Write that on that there big post-it note of yours. (Returns to his work.)
Billy Bluster
(leaning over to Bandy)
This too shall pass.
(Blackout.)
* * * * *
(Light returns. Clock indicates 9:30.)
Principal Pouriton
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and fears with us today. I do believe that is the best we have ever sung Kum Bah Yah since I have been here. I’d like to turn things over now to our Mr. Longneck, our assistant principal. He’ll be talking to you about duty rosters and discipline.
Brewsky Longneck
(tugs at the back of his pants)
Things went pretty well last year, but I would like to remind you that we do have a dress code here. It is outlined in your handbook.
Wendy Whiner
(wearing low-cut blouse and extremely short skirt)
Last year I felt like I was the only one enforcing the dress code. I had girls walking into my classroom sixth period with more holes in their pants than a piece of Swiss cheese and boys with the seat of their pants dragging the ground. Someone should have caught it by the time they got to me.
Brewsky Longneck
And also remember our cell phone policy. Students should not be on their phones at any time in your classrooms unless it is for educational purposes.
Wendy Whiner
And the boys and girls are hanging all over each other in the hallways. You’d think our school was the love shack.
Clueless Carol
I think we need to do a better job of enforcing the dress code. If we’re not going to do what is in the handbook, then we should take it out.
Repetitive Roger
And what about the cell phone problem?
Candy Chatter
(puts her cell phone down)
We tell them the rules, but kids today just don’t know how to listen!
(Blackout.)
* * * * *
(Light returns. Clock indicates 10:30.)
Brewsky Longneck
And while I have enjoyed this extended discussion on dress code and cell phone use, I think we need to move on to other topics.
Principal Pouriton
Now it’s time for us to write our mission statement for the year.
Bob Bandy
(To Callus)
I think it should be “We avoid meeting together as much as possible so we can actually work with our students.”
(Blackout.)
* * * * *
(Light returns. Clock indicates noon.)
Principal Pouriton
So we are all in agreement that it will be “Shaping today’s young people to their maximum potential to prepare them for success and the use of correct grammar in the real world.”
Eric Enthusiasm
I think we should all get t-shirts with that put on it!
Principal Pouriton
That’s a great idea. Could you head up a committee to get that done?
Eric Enthusiasm
(jumping up and down)
Sure! Who will do it with me?
(No hands raise. Eric shrugs good-naturedly.)
Principal Pouriton
It’s time for lunch now. Everyone should be back at 1:00.
Wendy Whiner
(whispering to no one in particular)
We’ve been on here for four hours with no break! We don’t even ask our students to do that!
Principal Pouriton
Is there anything else?
Wendy Whiner
Are we ever going to get time to be in our classrooms? I have three bulletin boards to put up.
Principal Pouriton
You will get about ten minutes in your classrooms tomorrow.
(Bandy stands, gathering his materials.)
Repetitive Roger
Did we ever decide what we are going to do about enforcing the dress code?
(Scattered chatter.)
Principal Pouriton
We can talk about that more after lunch. Is there anything else?
(Bandy is halfway to the doorway.)
Repetitive Roger
Can students use cell phones in the hallways?
(More scattered chatter.)
Principal Pouriton
No, the handbook says that they cannot. Is there anything else?
(Bandy is standing in the doorway.)
Principal Pouriton
Before you leave, make sure you get the stack of forms by the door. Be sure and get the Just Thinking About a Field Trip Form, the Actual Field Trip Form, Parental Permission Form, Medical Release for a Field Trip Form, Successful Return from A Field Trip Form, and Bus Request form. I have also shared seven Google docs with you that you will need to look over, complete and get back to me by this afternoon.
Bob Bandy
(to Callus, who has edged between Bob and the door)
What’s a Google doc?
Coach Callus
I don’t know, but we’ve got twenty-six more hours of meetings to find out.
(End of scene.)
